By Marshall B. Rosenberg - Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World (92605) by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Author:Marshall B. Rosenberg [Rosenberg, Marshall B.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Amazon: B00HTK2BE2
Publisher: Puddle Dancer Press
Published: 2005-09-26T00:00:00+00:00

We aren't trained to think of what our needs are.

First, he took these children into his apartment and treated them very well. He showed them television programs they liked and gave them food they liked. I said, "What need of yours is met when you do that?" It turned out that this man had always been very lonely. He had never had his need met for community, for connection, for companionship. This was the best way he'd ever found to meet that need: bring these children in, treat them well. Of course, he could have met that need without sexually molesting them.

Then we turned to the molestation: "What need of yours was being met by that?" It took a while to get to it, because it wasn't easy for him to look inside and see. He realized that his need for doing that was for understanding, for empathy.

From the terror in their eyes, he felt that his victims understood what he felt when he was a child and his father had done this to him. He didn't realize that was his need. He didn't know other ways of meeting that need. Once we got it clear, it was obvious there were many other ways to meet that need other than terrorizing children.

That's how we use Nonviolent Communication with people who are behaving in ways we don't like. I start by empathically connecting to what needs of theirs are being met by doing what they do. Then I let them know what need of mine is not being met by what they're doing—the fear that I feel by how they behave, or the discomfort I feel. And then we explore other ways that are more effective and less costly of meeting both of our needs.

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